The Ballad Of Big Balls
By Jesse Welles
Written by Jesse Welles
Album: Masks On (2026)
Tabbed by Larry Mofle
6/14/2026

Entire album can be heard here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLYFp__uzeY

 
       G
When I heard the NRA was writing big ass checks, I went right down to Virginia and I said "Me next"
               C                                                     G
They said, "Go, ye, to the schools and spread the good news, I said, "I need a bulletproof vest and some good running shoes."
                   D
They said, "We got those" I said, "Cool, where at?", they said
         G
"They're next to the spoons making everyone fat."

I was rolling my eyes like a rolling stone when Uncle Huckabee called me on the telephone
He said, "I'm raising up money for a people in need", I said, "Of course, Uncle Huck, that strip is starving indeed"
He said, "The Lord's at work here, boy and the job ain't done
Son, you need Jesus and Jesus needs guns


Bridge:
F C            G
   It makes no sense
F                    C              G
One man's terror is another man's defense


When the holy golden toad spat him out of his mouth, the techno billionaire goblin was about KO'd out
But he left behind big balls like some vestige of tale, well, them balls went to town and got beat all to hell
Some days the dogeing is easy, some days the dogeing is hard
When the dogeing don't work, you'd better call in the guard

The Citrus Caesar and the Thielian Prince were throwing it all at the wall just to see what would stick
Even I got distracted. That weather was bad, that was the iciest summer that I've ever had
Some days I forget that Cracker Barrels exist
But there ain't no one forgetting about that list


Bridge 2:
It makes no sense.
One man's crimes, another man's intelligence


The Nostradamus of Austin cried out to the Lord, he said, "Them frogs might be gay but I'll still be your sword"
While television anchors talked at the air, does a lie make a noise that there ain't nobody there
There ain't no country for cable said the wisest of men
Buddy, crank up the Tucker while I pack me a Zyn

Now it was getting kind of late so I went back to the morgue, they were doing the autopsy of July 4th
I said, "Hold the scalpel, boys, she ain't dead yet, I got a parlay on China, we can still win the bet
The technician was drunk on Muscadine wine
He said, "I'm going to Mars." I said, "Good riddance, goodbye"


Bridge 3:
It makes no sense.
You can leave if you want but all your problems go with